When i got home last night i wanted to make love to M, but he was not interested (Did i mention that we haven't had relations for over a month now) he said he thinks its to soon after the miscarriage and that i still need time to heal, i don't know if i should kiss him for being so sweet and caring or slap him in the face for turning me down.
I got to work early today and spoke to my mom on the phone, she told me that my dad is in botswana for a few days, and that she misses me and that i should come and visit her. We did have a nice long chat. I really get along well with my parents, (well most of the time) but i can't understand why it is so hard to tell my mom that i was pregnant but lost the baby.
I feel so tired right now i can hardly keep my eyes open, i can't wait for this day to end so that i can go home.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Bleeding has stopped
Over the weekend the bleeding has stopped, i cant tell you how glad i am that that is over with.
I still feel so empty inside, i still cry sometimes when i'am alone. I don't think that i will ever forget what happened to me. I keep asking myself these questions,
What did i do to deserve this? Why did this happen to me? Was there something i could have done to prevent it?
But as time goes by, i will go on with my life and try to conceive again, i so desperately want to have a (healthy) baby.
Anyways, On saterday "m" had to work again. I get so angry if he has to work every saterday, i never get time alone with him. We are almost finished with the new house, i still don't have enough kitchen cupboards, i want to go buy some this weekend. Some of the tupperware is still in boxes. M's brother and his girlfriend moved into the granny flat there by us. We told them we would help them out, they stayed at his mom's place but his dad didn't get along with the girlfriend "A". But i can see why, she is so lazy, I mean, i go to work everyday come home at six then i need to start making dinner, while she is at home the whole day and does nothing but sit infront of the TV, and if i don't start with the dishes and tell her to come help she won't. Did i mention that she's only 17 .
I still feel so empty inside, i still cry sometimes when i'am alone. I don't think that i will ever forget what happened to me. I keep asking myself these questions,
What did i do to deserve this? Why did this happen to me? Was there something i could have done to prevent it?
But as time goes by, i will go on with my life and try to conceive again, i so desperately want to have a (healthy) baby.
Anyways, On saterday "m" had to work again. I get so angry if he has to work every saterday, i never get time alone with him. We are almost finished with the new house, i still don't have enough kitchen cupboards, i want to go buy some this weekend. Some of the tupperware is still in boxes. M's brother and his girlfriend moved into the granny flat there by us. We told them we would help them out, they stayed at his mom's place but his dad didn't get along with the girlfriend "A". But i can see why, she is so lazy, I mean, i go to work everyday come home at six then i need to start making dinner, while she is at home the whole day and does nothing but sit infront of the TV, and if i don't start with the dishes and tell her to come help she won't. Did i mention that she's only 17 .
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
5 Days
It's been five days since i lost my baby.
I have to take each day at a time.
On the 21st i woke up with severe cramps i went to the bathroom and just saw blood, i knew instantly that i would never get to hold my precious baby, Never get to hear him cry.
Why did this have to happen to me, i never even got the chance to tell anyone about the pregnancy, the only people that knew about it was M (Fiancé) and me, i was waiting for the magical 12 week mark before i told anyone, i was scared that i would lose the baby and guess what? I did.
"M" has been great, very supportive. I couldn't have gone through this without him, i know he must also be hurting, but he doesn't show it. I think that if he show's me that he's hurting that i would blame my self even more than i already do.
I bought some baby clothes that's still lying in my cupboard i can't bring myself to look at it or to pack it away.
I was 9 weeks and 5 days pregnant when i lost the baby, i know that it was still early but i already felt a bond with the little person growing inside me. I feel so empty.
But i have to go on, I can't just sit around and cry all day.
I have to take each day at a time.
On the 21st i woke up with severe cramps i went to the bathroom and just saw blood, i knew instantly that i would never get to hold my precious baby, Never get to hear him cry.
Why did this have to happen to me, i never even got the chance to tell anyone about the pregnancy, the only people that knew about it was M (Fiancé) and me, i was waiting for the magical 12 week mark before i told anyone, i was scared that i would lose the baby and guess what? I did.
"M" has been great, very supportive. I couldn't have gone through this without him, i know he must also be hurting, but he doesn't show it. I think that if he show's me that he's hurting that i would blame my self even more than i already do.
I bought some baby clothes that's still lying in my cupboard i can't bring myself to look at it or to pack it away.
I was 9 weeks and 5 days pregnant when i lost the baby, i know that it was still early but i already felt a bond with the little person growing inside me. I feel so empty.
But i have to go on, I can't just sit around and cry all day.
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