Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.Action Steps:Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the wordStep 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."

The News Is Out

Today is my last day in the first trimester.

"M" and i told our parents that they are gonna be grandparents in april, they were all so excited for us, "M's mom even started crying. My mom told us that when i go back to work after maternity leave she will look after the baby, she already wants to start painting the spare room and start decorating!!!!!!! Everytime i tell someone that i am pregnant it just seem so unreal i keep wondering if everything is still alright in there. I get to go for my first ultrasound on Saturday, I can't wait!!!!!

Dreams

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that i was a doctor and that i did a ultrasound on a guy, i don't know why i did it, but then i put the wand on my belly and i saw THREE babies!!!
And about a week ago i dreamt i was having a boy. Does anyone know what these dreams mean?

Doctors Appointment

I went to the doctor on friday, (M went with me) and told him that i'm pregnant. He did a examination on me and ordered some blood test to see how far along i am and to see what my blood type is. The nurse hurt me when she drew the blood, she first put the needle in my right arm and could not find a vein she was poking around in there, then she switched to the other arm and eventually drew the blood. I asked the doctor to do a ultrasound and he told me that it is still to early and that we wouldn't be able to see much, he told me to come back in 4 weeks time then we can do a ultrasound. He took everything so calm doesn't he understand that i want to know if my little bean is alright in there!!!!!

Anyways I got the test results back the next day and i am 7 weeks pregnant, and everything looks fine. He put me on folic acid and iron pills.

I've had some episodes of morning sickness, or should i call it all day sickness, which i didn't have when i was pregnant the first time, so maby it is a good sign that this baby will stick around the whole nine months this time around and not just for two.

It has stopped

Well the spotting has stopped.
It wasn't alot and only when i wiped, it was a very light brown colour ( i know it's a little too much information, but hey, it's my blog if you dont like it don't read it.) I didn't tell M about the spotting, i don't want him to worry, Last night while i was lying in bed doing crossword puzzels he put his hand on my tummy and asked me if our little one was growing nicely. I was so shocked i didn't know what to say to him, I told him that we will see on saterday. With the first pregnancy he never touched my belly and with this one he does it almost daily.

Not Again!!!!

Oh shit
I went to the toilet and after i wiped i found some brown spotting on the toilet paper, not much but it was there. I am so scared the thoughts of my miscarriage in march kept running through my head. I am seeing the doctor on the 23rd. I just hope everything is okay untill then, i really don't want to lose this baby!!!

April

According to the internet my due date is the 15 April 2009. It's really weird, my birthday is on the 24 and M's birthday is on the 23rd of April.
Maby April is a good month for our little family. Let's just hope this pregnancy lasts until then.

5 Weeks

Well according to my calculations i am 5 weeks pregnant, still 35 weeks to go, if it lasts till then. I really want to write about all my feelings towards this pregnancy but i can't, not now, maby at a later stage when i am further along. I did another pee test in the middle of the day and the results came back almost instantly.
I have an appointment with the doctor in two weeks time, let's just hope and pray that nothing goes wrong in the meantime.

Positive

I've got a lot of blogging to do so lets start;

My period was late this month, i did a pregnancy test this morning and it came back POSITIVE, I don't know if i should be happy or not, i can't believe it. I haven't even told M yet. We are having a bit of problems lately and i don't know how he will respond to the news.

In other aspects of my life, my mom thinks that she may have oral cancer. I took her to the doctor last week and he said that she has a infection in her mouth and in her throught, he needs to clear that up first before he can make a diagnosis. he put her on antibiotics and she has to go back on friday to see him again.

Early Visit

Dear AF

I expected you to come and visit only next week. You should at least give me some warning if you decide to come early. Do you like tormenting me?

Feng shui

I read this article on fertility and feng shui, i don't know if it can work, but i am so desperate and will try anything.

Has anybody tried feng shui? And has it worked for you?

Feeling Sick

I have been feeling sick for the last couple of days, and i went to go see a doctor yesterday, she told me that i have bronchitis and gave me antibiotics and some other pills to drink. When i was in the consultation room with her, she asked me if i could be pregnant (she wanted to know before she put me on the antibiotics) I told her that "maybe" we have been trying for the last year. She did a pregnancy test and it came back negative (No suprise) So M and i will just have to keep trying again.

In other news, We had one of M's colleagues over for dinner, he brought his 7 month pregnant wife with him, i couldn't help starring at her belly the whole time, i thought to my self if i didn't have the miscarriage i would have been almost 7 months pregnant right now, i would also have a belly like that. I think what made me mad the most is that she still drinks wine and smokes!!!!
How the hell do you drink and smoke while 7 months pregnant don't you know what you are doing to that unborn child. Even when i am in the two week wait i won't dare touch a alcoholic drink. I know i want to give my future child a healthy start in life, how can she do that to a innocent baby, some people (in my opinion) shouldn't get the privilage of being parents.

Great dad

Yesterday we had M's mother and sister (with her 20 month old son) over for dinner. He is so cute, he can almost say the ABC's all on his own. M is really great with him, I know that he will be a great dad, I just wish that i can give him the opportunity to be one, and that i can be a mom.

I am ovulating, so we will have to do the baby dans tonight, and just hope for the best.

My Babies

Take a look at my new puppies!!!











They are 6 and 7 weeks old.

I need to be a mother, i need to care for someone, and nurture it, and since i am batteling to get pregnant these puppies will just have to deal with me fondling over them.

Nope, Still Trying

Nope not pregnant, i got my hopes up for nothing, I think my body likes tormenting me, making me believe that there just might be a chance then grabbing it out of my hand again. Im making a promise to myself today, i will not get my hopes up before i miss my period.

Counting down

Only 3 days till my period is expected, i haven't peed on a pregnancy test yet, i want to hold out till monday, I really hope I am pregnant

Could it be

I am not getting my hopes up, but i ovulated on 2 June and yesterday i had some brown spotting, it's not much only when i wiped and only once, and this morning too. I know it's too early to be my period, Could it be implantation bleeding? Or am my hormones so out of balance? I so want to whip out a pregnancy test, but i know it's still to early. I am going to try and hold out till my period is expected before i pee on a stick, But like i said, i am not getting my hopes up, But i am holding thumbs.

Good & Bad News

I have been such a bad blogger these days, i haven't posted in over two weeks. I have a lot of catching up to do, so let's start.

First i want to tell you that C and his Psycho girlfriend have moved out (Yes!!!) He Got a better job, and moved back to his Mom, His mom stays closer to his work than we do. He still has to come and collect most of his things from us. I am so happy things worked out.

I have a brother that i haven't seen or spoken to in almost five years, My sister ocassionally has contact with him, and she told me that he is back on the drugs again, he was clean for almost 3 years from what i hear. She told me he got back on the drugs after his baby died ( WHAT?) His girlfriend went into labour and delivered a 700 gram baby boy, he lived for a couple of hours then he died, from what i understand he was very premature and his lungs didn't develope properly. I didn't even know that he had a girlfriend and that she was pregnant, I feel so sorry for them, I want to get in contact with him, to give him my support, but i don't know how to get hold of him, nobody even has a telephone number for him. He only phones my sister but has never given her his telephone number. He should stop using drugs and be with his wife, she needs him now more than ever, they need to be there for each other.

Frustrated

I am having one of those days that nothing goes my way, that everyone and everything irritates me. First a Taxi tries to push me off the road, i have to slam on the brakes because he wants to stop and let his passengers out (by a green robot), then my boss want's to know what a collegue of mine is doing (Why doesn't he go and ask him), then my computer crashes and i have to restart it losing all unsaved data, (which i will have to re-do). Today is not my day. I just want to go home and climb in bed.

Xenophobia

Things are getting bad, there are at least 44 people dead since the Xenophobia attacks started. It has gotten so bad that the goverment has deployed the army to help cause they can't cope on there own. I work about about a kilometer away from a rural settlement and everyday for the past week i look out the window and see police patrol cars driving up and down the streets.

Read this article http://www.thetimes.co.za/specialreports/Xenophobia/Default.aspx?id=380077

Improving

Finally things are improving, now that Psycho and C are basically out of my house. I don't see them that often any more and M and i can spend some quality time alone, (much needed if we want to get pregnant again).

I have read some other blogs and see that there are alot of BFP going around. Congragulations to all who are expecting. I will say a prayer for you and hope everything turns out the way you planned.
I just wish that i also could(someday in the near future) get my BFP and make it last the whole nine months, and then get to hold my baby. Is that too much to ask?

2WW Over

The dreaded 2WW is over and Aunt Flo arrived right on time, I really dont like you AF why couldn't you just stay away. So here's to the begining of another month of trying.
Why Oh Why can't i just have a baby?

Family Meeting

We had a family meeting last night with C and Psycho, and we told them that from the begining of next week they will make there own food. For the past week she has left me to do all the dishes, and M had enough, he told them that i'm not there maid and if they can't help me then they must look after themselves.

Guess who's back

And it's not who you think, It's C's girlfriend (from now on refered to as Psycho). I really don't like that girl. Everytime i see her my bloodpresure goes up, Okay maby i am over exagerating but i feel like i just want to slap the S*** out of her. She is back from the hospital, in my opinion she should have stayed there. FOREVER.

Mothers Day

On Mothers day we had a basic fondue dinner(the one with oil) for my mom, just to make her day special, and since M has never had a fondue and doesn't know what it is, It was appropriate. We Cubed some steak, sausages, mushrooms, chicken, and cheese, and made a cheese and BBQ Sauce to go with it.

It turned out great, you wouldn't think that, that food would make you full, but it does. M and my Mom really enjoyed it. I got my mom a Kitchen Knife set, she really needed it, her old knifes are about the same age as me, she has had them forever, and i also got her some bubble bath and chocolates.

Back in more ways than one

Well i'm back at work from my looooong weekend. I really needed it. M & I really needed it. We spent some quality time together with no interuptions. We worked on the house, doing all the things that we never get time to do, but most of all we relaxed.

On the fertility front, i'm supposed to be ovulating tomorrow, so i have to jump hubby's bones tonight, if i want a shot at conceiving. I soooo want to have a baby, (i think i did mention that in older post's). So i'm back at the TTC game again, Ovulation, timed intercourse then the dreaded 2WW, thinking that every twinge, every headache could be something more, then have Aunt Flo show up, having your hopes blown out the window, but we'll try again.

Catching up

I've got a lot of blogging to do so let's start:

The funeral was very nice, all the people that used to work with my aunt was there, and i got to see most of my family members that i haven't seen in a while. The words that her daughter spoke were so true, she said that we should tell the people who we love, that you care about them and love them everyday, cause tomorrow might be to late. She is taking the death of her mother very well, she's got a lot of people that care for her, and i told her that she can call me any time of day if she's feeling lonely or just needs to talk.

I also found out that one of my cousins, (that's the same age as me) is pregnant with her third child!!!! She can hardly look after the two that she already has..... Don't get me wrong, i'am happy for her, but she still lives with her mom, has never worked a day in her life and the father of her childredn is a drunk. She is due on the 7th of May. Why does she get to have a baby and i don't??????????I'am not going to get upset about that again, my time will come. (Hopefully very soon)

We had a party on saturday, that turned out great, i'll post pictures later on. I probably have to get back to work, not that i feel like it. We only have a two day work this week, on Monday we had a public holiday, on Tuesday and Wednesday we have to work and on Thursday and Friday we again have a Public Holiday. My Boss told the Managing Director that he should give us these two days off, but he said no, "we can lose client's like that". Most of the company's are closed in any case, so i don't know why he thinks we can lose customers, he probably just doesn't want to stay at home with his wife, they have been having problems. We usually get along good the MD and I, but there is nothing going on at work, i don't see why i have to be here if the telephone is not even ringing, all i'am doing is blogging and playing games the whole day, I think tomorrow is going to be even more boring.

Funeral

Today is my Aunt's funeral, it's going to be weird to know that i will never see her again, She was the kindest person that i know. So today we say goodbye to her, the whole family is going to be there, the only time that my father's side of the family comes together is when someone dies. We kind of lost touch over the years, only for the occasional telephone call, we don't see much of each other. So i'll let you know what happens there.

B-Day

Happy Birthday To Me

My Old Friend

Guess who decided to make an appearance today?
Yip AF arrived this morning, i was kind of hoping that it will come only after my birthday, but since it is here now i can, (as soon as possible) start TTC conceive again.

Mother (Witch) in Law

I am so mad at my future "Mother in Law", she came to our house to pick up C for the weekend, but she only stood in the driveway waiting for him to come out, She didn't even bother to come in, and when she dropped him off on Sunday the same thing. The only time that she has ever phoned "M" is when she needs money or help, she won't even phone him just to say hello. "M" is the oldest of four children, She had "M' when she was very young, he doesn't even know his biological dad, and then she met her current husband and had three more children. She will do anything for the other three but for her oldest son she won't do anything. At the age of eighteen she thew him out of the house. "M's stepdad took care of him from a very young age and M considers him his Dad, he has always been there for him. They get along very well. I don't get it, why can some people who don't deserve kids just "pop" them out, and those couples who do deserve them have trouble getting pregnant.

Anyways it's been almost a month since my miscarriage and AF is yet to make her arrival. I just hope she comes soon so that i can start TTC again

Why?

My aunt died on Saterday Morning, and my cousin is in ICU. They were driving home when a security van didn't stop at the red robot, he hit them om the right side and they overturned. The driver of the van also died and his passenger is in a critical condition. There were four people in the car with my aunt, thankfully her daughter, my other cousin L and her boyfriend didn't get hurt. My Cousin is going into surgery today, we will have to wait and see what happens, he broke both of his arms and legs and has internal bleeding. I just hope he pulls through!!!

Loadshedding

Last night we were without power for three and a half hours, I live in South Africa and at the moment we are having a power crisis, there is not enough electricity so we have scheduled loadeshedding, to decrease the electricity demand, Eskom says it will go on like this till late June this year. So instead of sitting at home in the dark with nothing to do. We went to watch a show called "Trans Travel", about a hypnotist asking people out of the audience to come up stage and be hypnotised, then she lets them do funny stuff, without them knowing what they did. We had a few good laugh's.

M's brother's girlfriend "A" is in hospital for Psychiatric evaluation. "C" said she almost had a nervous breakdown on Sunday and her Psychologist told her to come in, to come and see her.
We don't know how long she will be there for. He said that she started going to a psychiatrist about two years ago, when her grandmother died and her grandfather had to take care of her alone, because her parents just abandoned her when she was 3, and her grandmother was like a mother to her, and after her death she just wanted to commit suicide. I feel sorry for the poor girl to be at such a young age and to have gone through such an ordeal.

Anyways my dad got back yesterday from botswana, he went to look at the new house they are moving into, but he has to leave again tomorrow on another business trip, and he will only be back next week. I don't know if i could be that long without M, and only to see him for a day before he has to leave again.

Planning

Last night while lying in bed M asked me if we are going to have a birthday party next weekend for both of us. I almost forgot that its our birthdays next week (been so busy) his birthday is on the 23 and mine on the 24 of April. How's that for a match!!!!!!!!!! I'll probably organise a party for some friends and family, nothing to big

Busy Weekend

It's been a while since i posted something but i've been so busy. My mom is moving into the same neighbour as me, in fact in the same street, just two houses from where i stay.

We were so busy this weekend, helping her to paint the house, and to put new tiles in. My dad is away on business at the moment so she needs all the help she can get. As soon as my dad is back, She want's to move in, that would be next weekend!!!! so we need to get all the thing done before then. "M" played handy man, which he enjoyed, i never knew that man could do tiling! I should twist his arm to re-do the bathroom for us.

Like usual M's brother did nothing to help, he was to scared to come out of the cottage, to scared that we would ask him anything. When we got home on Sunday, he was lying on the couch, he did absolutely nothing the whole day, and then he has the nerve to say that he is soooo tired, and don't even get me started on his girlfriend A. I know i am probably just irritated from lack of sleep and i will feel better if i have a good night's rest.

Anyways, I'am still waiting for my AF to arrive after the miscarriage, but no sign of her yet.

Turned Down

When i got home last night i wanted to make love to M, but he was not interested (Did i mention that we haven't had relations for over a month now) he said he thinks its to soon after the miscarriage and that i still need time to heal, i don't know if i should kiss him for being so sweet and caring or slap him in the face for turning me down.

I got to work early today and spoke to my mom on the phone, she told me that my dad is in botswana for a few days, and that she misses me and that i should come and visit her. We did have a nice long chat. I really get along well with my parents, (well most of the time) but i can't understand why it is so hard to tell my mom that i was pregnant but lost the baby.

I feel so tired right now i can hardly keep my eyes open, i can't wait for this day to end so that i can go home.

Bleeding has stopped

Over the weekend the bleeding has stopped, i cant tell you how glad i am that that is over with.
I still feel so empty inside, i still cry sometimes when i'am alone. I don't think that i will ever forget what happened to me. I keep asking myself these questions,
What did i do to deserve this? Why did this happen to me? Was there something i could have done to prevent it?
But as time goes by, i will go on with my life and try to conceive again, i so desperately want to have a (healthy) baby.

Anyways, On saterday "m" had to work again. I get so angry if he has to work every saterday, i never get time alone with him. We are almost finished with the new house, i still don't have enough kitchen cupboards, i want to go buy some this weekend. Some of the tupperware is still in boxes. M's brother and his girlfriend moved into the granny flat there by us. We told them we would help them out, they stayed at his mom's place but his dad didn't get along with the girlfriend "A". But i can see why, she is so lazy, I mean, i go to work everyday come home at six then i need to start making dinner, while she is at home the whole day and does nothing but sit infront of the TV, and if i don't start with the dishes and tell her to come help she won't. Did i mention that she's only 17 .

5 Days

It's been five days since i lost my baby.

I have to take each day at a time.



On the 21st i woke up with severe cramps i went to the bathroom and just saw blood, i knew instantly that i would never get to hold my precious baby, Never get to hear him cry.



Why did this have to happen to me, i never even got the chance to tell anyone about the pregnancy, the only people that knew about it was M (Fiancé) and me, i was waiting for the magical 12 week mark before i told anyone, i was scared that i would lose the baby and guess what? I did.



"M" has been great, very supportive. I couldn't have gone through this without him, i know he must also be hurting, but he doesn't show it. I think that if he show's me that he's hurting that i would blame my self even more than i already do.

I bought some baby clothes that's still lying in my cupboard i can't bring myself to look at it or to pack it away.



I was 9 weeks and 5 days pregnant when i lost the baby, i know that it was still early but i already felt a bond with the little person growing inside me. I feel so empty.

But i have to go on, I can't just sit around and cry all day.